Jack Goes Commando
by Kiki Cabou
Summary: Inspired by YT, I've written a brief crossover. Superheroes, a race car driver, an Elvis wannabe, and a hunky guy in leggings are all along for the ride. Enjoy. :


TITLE: "Jack Goes Commando."  
  
AUTHOR: Kiki Cabou.  
  
CATEGORY: Humor, Crossover --- with the characters of He-Man, Speed Racer, Johnny Bravo, and the men of Justice League.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I'm playing with someone else's toys. I'll put them back when I'm done.  
  
RATING: I'll go with PG for some borderline rude comments, an activity you have to be twenty-one to participate in, and an outburst of "Damn!"  
  
SUMMARY: Slang creates confusion for our hero.  
  
WARNING: I don't know what kind of "universe" this is, but I know it's nuts. Jack is probably a wee bit out of character. I apologize in advance. *bows in respect to reader*  
  
STUFF: "Justice League," the wonderfully updated version of "The Super Friends," has leads that are (for the most part) serious, brooding, straight-laced, and reserved. The Flash, on the other hand, is tactless, loud, speedy, and VERY energetic.  
  
"Speed Racer" is noted not only for its visuals, but for its awful, if hysterical, dubbing. Speed Racer himself is (wouldn't you know it?) really competitive and hyper.  
  
"Johnny Bravo" stars a muscle-bound, hair-gooped, immature, chick-watching lug with an Elvis-ish drawl. He never gets the girl. But at least he's consistent.  
  
He-Man is your basic "friendly tough-guy." He's a prince from Eternia, and he regularly battles the evil Skeletor. He fights the good fight, and does it in minimal clothing.  
  
***  
  
"Jack Goes Commando."  
  
***  
  
The waiting room was ultra-modern, and very cold. The guys who had arrived so far were keeping boredom at bay in various ways. Zhan (the Martian Manhunter) and the Green Lantern were talking about the Angels winning the World Series. Superman had his tongue stuck out in concentration. He was building a house of cards on the coffee table. Batman was knitting. He- Man was rustling his newspaper in annoyance, because Speed Racer was asleep, and snoring loud enough to wake the dead.  
  
They'd all been called in to consult on a new show idea for the Cartoon Network, so they'd arrived at the headquarters, expecting to be consulted, give their opinion, and take off. But the folks inside were taking their sweet time, and the guys were getting annoyed. None of them were comfortable leaving their respective worlds unprotected. But they had an obligation. So, they'd hopped into the provided inter-dimensional portals, and here they were. Waiting.  
  
The outer door opened and Samurai Jack walked in quietly. Batman noticed him briefly, then went back to his half-completed muffler. The Flash, who was getting a soda from the vending machine, looked up and smiled. Jack returned it. The two had hit it off at a network function a few months earlier.  
  
"Jack Attack! My man! What's up?" The Flash said merrily.  
  
"The ceiling!" Jack answered, with a grin.  
  
He-Man snickered. Everybody knew the samurai had some problems with idiomatic English, but he was a nice guy, so they tried not to ride him for it. At least not too much.  
  
The room settled back into its former rhythm as Jack wandered around, looking at the abstract art on the walls with a raised eyebrow and scratching his head. Batman blew Superman's card house down, without even dropping a stitch. Superman glared at him. Speed woke up. The Green Lantern started laughing at something Zhan had said.  
  
And then Jack, remembered something, turned to the group, cleared his throat, and smiled. Everyone stopped talking and listened politely.  
  
"I've learned something very exciting," he said.  
  
"Really? What?" He-Man asked.  
  
"Well, I was speaking to a very knowledgeable person out in the hallway, and it seems that American English has a phrase that is equivalent to bushido --- the way of the warrior."  
  
"Oh, this should be good," The Flash said, taking a gulp of his FizzyWizz. " What is it?"  
  
"Well, in my native country, I follow bushido. But here in America . . ."  
  
Jack smiled proudly, put his hands on his hips, and announced, "I am going commando!"  
  
The room exploded into laughter. Speed Racer cackled. The Flash spewed soda all over the floor. Even Superman cracked a wry smile.  
  
"Uh, just for the record, I'M going commando too, thank you," He-Man said behind his newspaper, and adjusted his deerskin pants, earning some more snickers.  
  
"Thatwasway toooomuch informationforme," Speed said, attempting (hopelessly, as usual) to dub himself into English.  
  
Jack was bewildered by all the laughter. "What? What have I said?"  
  
The Flash sighed and zipped into a chair. He patted the seat next to him, and Jack sat down.  
  
"Dude, I hate to burst your bubble, but uh, 'going commando' does NOT mean you're following the way of the warrior."  
  
"It does not?"  
  
"No. It means you're not wearing any underwear. . . . No tighty-whities. . . . Your loins be flappin' in the breeze, man!"  
  
"Flash, shut up," Superman chided him. "He figured out what you said the first time."  
  
And it showed. Jack's peachy skin had gone off-white, and his dark eyes were wide with humiliation. The Flash saw this and dropped the bravado. He kindly clapped Jack on the shoulder.  
  
"Hey, man, it's all right. Things like this happen."  
  
Jack didn't answer. The Flash looked at him keenly.  
  
"Just, for the love of Mike, tell me you didn't say that to anyone else."  
  
Jack hung his head.  
  
"Oh, cripes. Who?"  
  
"The receptionist," Jack mumbled. "Well, I suppose that explains the scorecard."  
  
"Whadidjagetwhadidjaget?" Speed asked.  
  
He-Man rolled up his newspaper and whacked Speed on the head with it. Zhan smirked.  
  
The Green Lantern was genuinely concerned. "Jack, who taught you that phrase?" he asked.  
  
"A man with blond hair and a black shirt. He said his name was Johnny Bre-- - Bri ---"  
  
"Johnny BRAVO?" He-Man suggested, putting his paper down.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Ugh. I can't stand that guy," Batman said.  
  
"You can't stand *anybody,*" Superman snapped at him, then turned to Jack. "But frankly, Johnny Bravo is the most incompetent lump of DNA in the universe. And I've met some really stupid aliens, so that's saying something."  
  
The Flash whispered in Jack's ear, "He did the 'hey, you got something on your shirt' flick-the-nose thing on Soupy. Not a good idea."  
  
"I heard that," Superman said. "And don't call me Soupy."  
  
The Flash turned around. "Aw c'mon. I think it's cute." He gave Superman a goofy grin.  
  
Superman raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? Well, perhaps I'll just call you 'The Flasher' from now on. How would you like that?"  
  
"Man, get a soda or something. Lubricate your insides."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"You heard me. It'll make that stick slide right outta your ---"  
  
"Stop it! Both of you!" Zhan boomed, silencing them. "Need I remind you that we are all adults here?"  
  
Johnny Bravo walked in, whistling, and glanced around at the silence. Apparently he was part of this little consult, too. "Uh, ha," he said, with his typical drawl.  
  
"Of course there are always exceptions," Batman said, deadpan. "Hello, Mr. Bravo."  
  
Johnny smiled, but that faded when he saw Jack stand up. The Japanese man was flushing in shame. His hands were twitching. The need was overwhelming . . .  
  
He gave in.  
  
"Sir." The word was a sharp staccato. "You have disgraced me in front of my colleagues. And I apologize in advance, but in order to restore my honor, I will have to return the favor."  
  
He stalked towards Johnny, grabbed a hem sticking out of the other man's jeans, and pulled --- really hard, and really fast.  
  
*SHICKKK!!*  
  
The whole waiting room was staring, mouths hanging open, at Jack. He was holding up Johnny's underwear --- heart print boxers.  
  
"Ah-Ah-Ow," Johnny choked out.  
  
"There," the samurai said firmly. "Now YOU are going commando."  
  
A very stunned Johnny Bravo snatched his underwear from Jack and fled.  
  
"Damn!" said The Flash. "Remind me not to piss you off! Whoa!"  
  
"That was one hellofawedgieyesitwas," Speed commented.  
  
Suddenly, the door to the inner office opened and a smiling office clerk stepped out.  
  
"Okay, guys, sorry to keep you waiting," she said. "Here's the idea. The producers want to do a show called 'Pick-Up Battle,' where two of you challenge each other to a fight every week. We thought we'd pick from the strongest, toughest guys on Cartoon Network to participate. So, what do you all think?"  
  
For a minute, nobody moved. They were too stunned.  
  
"That is the crappiest idea I have ever heard," Zhan said, surprising everybody.  
  
"It's cruel," said Jack. "Besides, I, Speed Racer, and the Bat Man have no chance! Everyone but us has these magical powers."  
  
"They're called 'super' powers, Jack," The Flash remarked, rolling his eyes. "Hence the title . . ." He placed imaginary bricks in the air. "Super . . . Hero."  
  
"Shut up," Green Lantern shot at him, and turned to the receptionist. "The answer is no. Oh, and by the way, we've got WOMEN in the Jusice League, in case you've forgotten. Or do they simply not count?"  
  
"Yeah, really!" He-Man said. "Besides, we have enough problems without fighting each other. You people are out of your minds."  
  
The others were nodding and grumbling in agreement, and the clerk seemed to understand. "Got it. All right, thanks, guys. Have a nice evening."  
  
She disappeared through the door, leaving the eight men alone. Batman looked around. He was tired and grumpy from the whole thing.  
  
"I want to take a vote of my own. I know we all got here through our inter- dimensional portals. All those who have three hours before the thing appears again and they have to go, raise your hand."  
  
Eight hands went up.  
  
"And, all those in favor of getting a beer before they have to leave, raise your hand."  
  
Again, eight hands went up.  
  
"Nice. Grab your coats, boys, I know a place nearby."  
  
They made quite a motley crew as they left the building.  
  
"Hey Jack," The Flash said, "Let me teach you something you can *really* use. It's called 'The Irish Drinking Song!' I saw it on 'Whose Line Is It Anyway.'"  
  
"What is this 'Whose Line?'"  
  
TWO HOURS LATER . . .  
  
Everyone was wobbling away from The Hair o' The Dog toward the materializing portals, and saying goodbye. They were all tipsy. Jack and The Flash had their arms around each other's shoulders and were singing (horribly) at the top of their voices:  
  
"O, AIdee daidee DAIdee daidee DAIdee daidee DAI!"  
  
***  
  
THE END!!!  
  
Stupid? Yes. Fun to write? HELL yeah. Hope you liked it. Please R/R.  
  
Kiki -[: )  
  
***  
  
A quote I just made up ---  
  
Cartoon Network interview: Samurai Jack, on why he's friends with The Flash.  
  
"The one called Flash has a good sense of humor, a sturdy constitution, and a keen mind. He is rather unwise, but kind to all. I respect him. And so we are friends." 


End file.
